What If?
So this might be kinda weird but I’m just gonna write..
What if…? Thats a question that haunts everyone. What if I didn’t go to that party? What if I didn’t get an A on that test? What if I didn’t live in the apartment that I do right now? What if I’m not meant to find love, but lead others to it? What if….?
Ive been thinking about that for a while. Honestly evrytime I ask myself that, I get pretty sad. I just always question myself with everything. What if I didn’t move to Idaho for college? What if past girl friends break up with me? What if I served a mission? What if I didn’t have a crap ton of mental health issues? What if I was better…
I think everyone has these questions that haunt them. Because we never think we are good enough. But tbh, Im just gonna speak about me right now. I dont mean to be selfish, but lets be honest, is anyone actually reading this? lol
if I play back all the moments of life, I just feel like im one big A screw up. I find mistake after mistake after mistake. What if I was smarter while in school? What if I didn’t meet those bad people that caused years of trauma for me. What if I didn’t confront those people who beat me up. What if I was a better significant other to a girl in my past? What if I had served a mission? What if I didn’t try and take my life, when I knew it was the wrong thing to do? And what if I was enough?
I see so many flaws in me and it hurts iike crap. I dont really know where to start. Kinda just dont understand my purpose. And maybe im not supposed to know that right now? Maybe im just supposed to take the punches and just try to stay strong. I have wondering what my purpose is.
I try to look on the bright side and say that those things in my past that have scared me will help someone in the future. But I dont know if thats true. I really hope it is. But its hard to try to look in the mirror and see someone you like. Im sure im not the only one who does that.
Ive always seemed like when I get close to something amazing, well it vanishes. And if I really think about it, there aren’t many things I really want in this world. I want to be as strong as I can in the gospel. I want to marry the girl of my dreams and make her the happiest person on this earth. I want to be able to do something I love and build a career from it. And I want to be able to help others.
But im sure that there are reasons for all of this. Im sure there are reasons for all the pain people feel in their lives. Theres a reason for all of that. Without sadness, we cant have happiness (2 Nephi 2) And if I realize it, all that pain and sadness has taught me how happy that I can be. Without those pains, I woulde’t be here as I am today.
So back to my original question, What if?
Maybe there are different ways of asking that question. Maybe instead of what if I was better? It goes something like, What if everything works out? What if I am near to something beautiful? What if the person I am going to help is going to call me up? What if I trust Heavenly Father and have faith that he will guide me when I cant see. And what if I stand strong, with the armor of God, and hold true and steadfast. D&C 27:15
Even though life can hurt. and can feel like a punch in the stomach, a dagger in the heart, and a soul crushing weight on you, Its all worth it! I can just feel Heavenly Fathers presence and his hand on my shoulder.
I can feel the comfort and the strength he gives me. And I know that he won’t leave me alone. My plan is to only get closer and stronger in my faith. And I know that Heavenly Father will be there.
So if your asking yourself that question, ask yourself, what if its all going to be great? What if the adventure is just getting started!
We got this!
Husain